Depression. Suicidal Ideation. Addiction. Real Talk.

UPDATE: Since posting this I've had some people reach out. Please feel free to pass my blog or my information on to someone who is struggling, no one should feel alone or that no one understands them. I don't have any great wisdom or specific answers, all I have is my own experience, strength and hope to share but if that will help someone please encourage them to reach out.

I have debated how "deep" to go on this blog. Part of me really wants to keep it "nice and light" and all about my actual running. But a bigger part of me knows that to truly make an impact on others I need to be vulnerable. I have learned that true strength comes from vulnerability. Anything truly worth doing is probably going to scare me shitless!

The name of my blog "Run into Joy" comes from a deep place. I have struggled in many areas in my life. I have dealt with true depression. I have had many days in my past where I woke up and was disappointed that I woke up. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was just tired and couldn't see hope, much less joy, in any part of my life.

Something I truly believe is that the amount of darkness we may have experienced or seen in our lives provides us with an opportunity to see that same amount of light and hope. Today I am so grateful each day I wake up. Even if I'm struggling, I am grateful. I have an amazing, beautiful life today and I am so grateful for it because my life looked very different for many, many years.

If you are struggling with depression, suicidal ideation or addiction, please reach out for help. I did not get where I am today without a LOT of help. And it didn't happen overnight. I wanted a different life for many years and just couldn't' seem to "get it". But don't give up. As long as you don't "quit", whether it's your life or an ultramarathon, you can have another chance.

I wear a purple and teal bracelet all the time now. Those colors are the suicide awareness colors. Every time I look at my bracelet it reminds me to be grateful. Grateful to be alive today. Grateful that even when I desperately wanted to quit I somehow made it through. I live life and run and serve to honor those who ended their lives because it was simply too much. I don't expect many people to truly understand what true hopelessness feels like. It is suffocating, overpowering, and all consuming. My heart goes out to the families of the victims of suicide. Any my heart goes out to those who didn't get another chance.

Changes happen one decision at a time. The decision to go for a walk instead of sitting at home drinking, smoking and watching TV every night. The decision to stop hitting the snooze button. The decision to go to work when you don't feel like it. The decision to call a friend when you know you are isolating and slipping into depression. The decision to get out of bed and take a shower, even if that's the only thing you can "accomplish" for today. The decision to start finding and USING healthy tools. Below are just a few of the tools I use:

1. Essential Oils (Thistle Farms has some of the best ones and you can support a great cause: https://thistlefarms.org/)

2. Getting up early - this one has been huge for me and P.S. I'm NOT a morning person so this isn't easy but so worth it

3. Listening to Positive Affirmations - I thought this was stupid when it was first suggested to me, but I'd been putting myself down for so many years repetitively listening to a NEW, POSITIVE message has been very helpful - you can find a ton of these, for free, on YouTube along with tons of other programs

4. Deep breathing/four square breathing - If you suffer from trauma this one is especially huge (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF_1ZiFta-E)

5. Therapy - if you go to a medical Dr. for your physical health, why would you not go to a professional Therapist for your mental health? I have done a lot of Trauma Therapy and have the best therapist in the world. She helped keep me alive until I finally landed in a more stable place

6. RUNNING - nothing has helped me stabilize my mental health and regain my sense of empowerment than running

I could extend this list to 100, if you are interested in hearing more about tools I use please send me a message.

Running has taught me how to live life. Running, espcially in nature, through the mountain and alpine fields of Colordo, has brought me some measure of peace. Running ultra marathons specifically has taught me that I am capable of so much more than I think possible. Sometimes that means running a 240 mile race. Some days that means getting out of bed and taking a shower. Running ultra's has taught me that as long as I don't QUIT, I have a chance, I can be walking slowly, sitting at an aid station or even crawling but as long as I don't quit I have a chance to finish the race. The same is true of life. If I just don't quit, I can live to see another day and the possibilities that day might hold.

I didn't feel joy for many, many years. I didn't feel much to be honest, I disassociated the shut down my feelings to survive. But today I don't always have to do that, I still do sometimes but somedays I get to RUN INTO JOY. The feeling of running and hiking through wild terrain makes my heart full. It simplifies life. Just one foot in front of the other. Again, just like life where my motto I live by is doing "The next right thing". Keep it simple. Even for us overthinkers we generally know what the next right thing we should do is, we just have to do it (easier said than done).

I just registered for my big race for the summer of 2023, the Crazy Mountain 100 (https://www.crazymountainultra.com/). This race excites and scares me. A 100 mile race through the Crazy Mountains in MT, the race includes over 25,000 feet of climbing. Climbing has historically not been a strength of mine. Part of why I registered for this race is so that I can push myself to become proficient in something I don't consider a current strength of mine. Doesn't hurt that the views in the race look absolutely amazing. Finally, when I looked at the race website I couldn't help but be drawn in by the quote displayed on the home page: "Some people never go crazy, what truly horrible lives they must lead". I have been given the opportunity to keep living, to keep running, to keep loving and serving. I don't want to waste a single day.

If you are struggling with depression, addition or suicidal thoughts, reach out to someone. Reach out to a friend, a family member, the suicide hotline (https://988lifeline.org/) 988 (call or text). Hell, reach out to me, I may not know you but I bet I can relate to where you are at, I've been there, and I'm here today. Message me if you want to talk. Remember, as long as you don't quit, no matter how bad you feel, how hopeless things may seem, it can get better, as long as you don't quit. If a "non-runner" like me can survive and run 240 continuous miles, you can make it through this moment, reach out for help, and live to see a life where you can Run Into Joy.